About two weeks ago, on the 18th of June, my 12 year old cousin died in his sleep. He was like a little brother to me so we were very close. We were practically raised together. His death came as a complete shock to me. I was sitting on my bed, knitting when I got the call. When I answered, my brother told me that Alex had passed away that morning. He had gone to sleep the night before, and by that morning he had to be rushed to hospital because he was barely breathing, and his pulse was very low. I couldn't speak, or breathe for that matter. I just stared straight ahead with my hand over my mouth, unable to move, paralysed with disbelief.
As the days went by, I became slightly neurotic. I kept thinking he would bust through the front door and jump on me to wake me up so we could play, like he always used to. I kept hearing his voice in my head calling my name. And everywhere I went, I could see him. I thought how could this be? How is it possible that a boy who was always so full of life could suddenly be lifeless? I couldn't understand how someone who was always around could suddenly be gone forever. I kept thinking it was some horrible nightmare and I would soon wake up. But every morning I'd wake up, and he was still gone. And every morning I wondered why I woke up. What to do now? I wanted to sleep forever. I didn't want to believe that this was real. But logically I knew that he was gone, and he wasn't coming back. I begged God for just one more day with him. Just one more cuddle, one more kiss, one more laugh, one more swim in the pool, one more swing in the hammock, on more trip to Sea World... But He didn't give him back. I became infuriated with God. I screamed at Him, "WHY?! Why didn't you take me instead?? Why take a little boy who had such passion for life, instead of a broken girl like me??? Why Why Why!" It was all I could say.
I thought time would stop when he died, but it kept right on going like nothing had happened. Time had only stopped for me, and for my family, in our house of mourning.
Eventually I accepted the fact that he was gone and I had to stay, and be strong for my family, and for myself. Life has to go on, no matter if it feels right or not. And I'm firm in my belief that Alex is in heaven now, free from all pain and discomfort. And to be honest, I'm happy for him, because I know that he couldn't possibly be happier. I cry because I miss him, not because I feel sorry for him. He lost his earthly life, but gained eternal life with God. And that's something that no simple human mind could ever hope to understand. It's still difficult for myself and my family, but we're trying to make it through. Alex would have wanted us to be happy, and not to grieve for too long. I still cry sometimes when I think of him, but most of the time his memory is just bitter sweet. He left behind so many beautiful memories, and I cherish every one of them.
He was bright, and sweet, and so full of energy. He loved to play rough, and not many people understood his sometimes destructive behaviour, and he was often hard to handle, even for me. But I know better now. He played the roughest with the people he loved the most, and he beat me up more than anyone else. That was his way of showing love. But he also liked to cuddle. To be touched by Alex was to be touched by an angel. Whether it was a hug, or a kiss, or a cuddle, or just a simple tap, it was absolutely magical. Anyone with a soul could feel it. I call it his healing touch. Alex was one of a kind. An angel on earth, to be sure.
He had this attitude that nothing could hurt him. His spirit was unbreakable, and that enraged a lot of people, especially the adults in his life (with the exception of his dad of course). But they just didn't understand. Alex was made of some tough stuff. He couldn't be broken. He had the heart of a warrior, always fighting for what he knew was right. And always telling us, "Stay strong, and take care of yourselves!" He was a very intelligent young man. One that I am proud to say I was lucky enough to have in my life. And underneath all his uncontainable energy, Alex had the biggest heart. He could never stay mad at anyone, no matter what they did. Because, to him, nothing was worth losing time with the people he loved. He saw everyone as valuable. No matter who they were. And I believe that in his heart, he loved every human being, and every plant and animal, simply because they were living, breathing, beautiful creations of the God that he so loved. He was a brave boy, firm in his beliefs on life, and secure in the knowledge that everything would work out for the better. There is so much to be learned from his life, if only we'd take the time to embrace and observe the lessons that he left behind for us.
He's gone from my life, but I will always carry him with me. His spirit, his love, his wisdom, and his mercy for everyone in his short, but beautiful life. There was room for everyone in Alex's heart. And I don't know if I could ever reach that point of love, but I do know that I'll try my best, in his honour, to cherish everyone I come across. I know he would have wanted that. And I hope that when my life is over, he'll be proud of everything that I did, and was.
His life will live on through his legacy, and all who loved him as he loved them. And one day, we'll see him again.
Rest in peace, Alex/Mischa/MishMish. You are loved

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I stayed on the phone with a friend. By 2 A.M. we were both exhausted, but for some reason, I didn't want to be alone. With my friend still on the phone, I quickly turned off the light, then jumped into bed and pulled the covers over me. I didn't know what I was afraid of; the little noises I heard were just the walls, I knew that. I also knew that my fears were childish, but I still let them get to me. Well we had to hang up eventually, but I stalled for as long as I could. When we finally said goodbye, and I began to feel alone, I heard the song "Hold Me Jesus" play through my head, and I remembered the story I had recently read to my friends' 4-year-old daughter; it was about fear. In it, the verse Psalm 56:3 was quoted: "When I am afraid, I put my trust in You." I lay there in the silence, remembering that story, and hearing that song... and feeling the closeness of my Jesus as I drifted off to sleep. My heart and mind were brought back to what was really important.
Sometimes we, as Christians (if you are one), need to remember that fear equals lack of faith in our God, and no problem is too big for Him to overcome; whether it be as infantile as creepy sounds in the night, or as serious as torturous memories of pain and brokenness, an important choice to make that leaves you feeling torn, or life changes that you may not think you're ready for...
Just remember that He is right there with you, and He'll never leave you. You might have suffered greatly, but He suffered more, and He understands your pain better than anyone. So don't let fear or pain take you over. Hold onto Him and let Him carry you through it. You'll be stronger when you get to the other side. And the best part is, you'll never be alone.
"Hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been King of my glory...won't you be my Prince of Peace?"

Safety is a feeling that we all need and crave. It allows us to rest, and to feel comforted. Whether you feel it in the form of a happy family, or a warm bed, or someone you know you can trust, the feeling of safety is crucial to our spiritual wellbeing.
I remember the last time I felt especially safe. It was less than a month ago. I was at church for a special event. When the speaker took a short break and everyone had a few minutes to collect themselves, I turned to my friend and told her I loved her. She wrapped her arms around me and held me close. I put my arm around her too, and rested my head on her chest, my eyes closed tight, just soaking it in. Then I heard her say something that I didn't even know I needed to hear. She said, "This is where you belong. Right here." Those simple words quickly made their way from her lips to my wounded heart, and I could feel my eyes about to fill with tears. I hugged her tighter, allowing the Love, and Acceptance, and sense of Belonging to sink deep inside of me. I could feel the warmth of those words, and I understood their meaning better than ever. And in that moment, for just a few seconds, I was home. Wrapped in the embrace of someone I knew loved me dearly. We all need to feel safe and sound. Everyone needs to be rockabyed sometimes. <3